So a few weeks ago, my friend Ethan suggested that I use my downtime at work to “work on my novel” rather than futz around on facebook. While Ive spent most of my morning doing mostly that, I feel like I have been rather productive.
This summer has been a serious head trip for me. I’ve been spending most of my time and energy on a really great guy. Time and energy that I do not mind giving, though it does not seem like it has been the right time, for him at least. Now I am working on turning that time and energy around, and giving it back to myself, which is proving to be both difficult, as well as rewarding.
This last week we decided to keep our communication strictly snail mail. While I enjoy writing and recieving letters, there is still a great element I feel I am missing out on by not having direct, verbal communication, and I find myself struggling at times when my mind begins to wander. This, with the combonation of heat, exhaustion, boredom and an over-abundance of time to over-analyze, I have found myself in a pretty fragile state.
Until this morning. One might say that I woke up on the right side of the bed, though I believe it was the power going out and my fans ceasing to keep me cool. I felt hot and sticky, the sheets clinging to my naked body were enough of an annoyance to force me out of bed. It was then that I realized that I had slept through my alarm. That is the last time I use chirping crickets as the sound prompt for my alarm.
I had thirty minutes to take a shower, get dressed, gather my things, get food and get to work. My sister, known for her long, steamy showers, had already claimed the bathroom several minutes before I had awoke sweaty and irritable. I banged on the door only to recieve a response of “In a few minutes…” Which directly translates to “I’ll be out in exactly 30 minutes, unless you continue to bother me, then Ill take my time.”
I shouted at her through the door, letting her know the urgency in which I needed the facilities. “I have to be to work in thirty minutes, I need to take a shower… Hurry up.” I snapped, unable to control my annoyance. “OK,” she retorted with an sharply matched temper, “I’ll be out in a minute… God.” I heard the shower turn off and the curtain get thrown back as she irritably grabbed for her towel. I went into my room, not wanting to deal with any comments that might have led to an argument. I just wanted to shower and leave.
My nerves were high, after a week of introspection and dealing with my own personal deamons, but as soon as the cool water began to run over my body, I felt the tension melt away. I sighed as I decided to let it all go. I went through each tension that had staked its claim on my psyche and body this week, starting with recent events and moving back through. I decided that I was going to take my time in the shower, and allow myself to be late to work. It would still be there when I arrived.
I washed the lake from my hair and let the soap sit a bit longer, the bubbles softly massaging my scalp. As I shaved my legs and under-arms, I thought about all of the stress I have built up this week, not allowing myself to let go. I slowly started to sift through, conciously letting go of each concern I had attatched to each issue surrounding my heart and head. By the time I got out of the shower, I felt like I had washed away more than sweat and lake debris.
I felt lighter, cleaner, softer, and more open to inspiration and action than I have felt all week long. I have carried on this lighthearted air all day long, and feel so motivated to get things done. From this moment on, I will look forward, not back, and I will allow things to take thier natural course, and know that any outcome will be the best one possible. “Wei Wu Wei” a good friend once told me, “Do without doing” . I believe that this is the true path to success when it comes to relationships, espeacially for myself. I have a tendancy to try to control things, so as to avoid heartbreak, but in doing so, I have created a vicious cycle of self-fulfilled prophecies.
This same person also helped me to realize that the more I focus on myself, and allow myself to glow from my own heart-center, the more attractive and desirable I would be to others. The trick with this, Ive realized, is actually doing it for myself, and not as a way of attracting men into my world. That, of course, would be counter productive. It has taken me this week to come to this conclusion. I get it now. *Sigh
So now I see myself going through my usual steps after a broken heart. I’ve mourned, attempted to control, mourned the failed attempt, met someone else, realized that substatution is not an option, had an apiphony, and I am now moving into clearing my space, both physically and mentally. This, for me, is usually one of the last steps toward full recovery. Over the next week I plan to purge my belongings, getting rid of stuff I never use by way of a yard sale. I have plans to purchase filing cabnets and a dresser to organize my room more.
I will begin and end this week of change and healing with my oldie but goodie way of celebrating life and self love: DANCE! Tonight I am going out to Parima to get down with my friend James (Dj Not Ted), and will be ending the week at Vermonts Liberate Festival http://www.liberatevt.com/ Where I will be fire preforming in the evenings, and taking yoga classes, hooping, and dancing to the amazing bands during the day. Perhaps I will see your smiling face
Bill looked at me wide eyed and amazed “You are so young and have already had such an incredible life.” I chuckled, as I am often mistaken for an 18 year old, “Not that young Bill, I’m closer to 30 than I appear.” Now it was his turn for a chuckle. “Yes, perhaps this is true, but if you continue on your exciting path, imagine the things you’ll have done by the time you approach 60…”
I am worthy of: LOVE, both from myself, and from others. Admiration, I have done, and continue to do SO many incredible things in my life. Happiness, and dreams come true.
